uuuuuuugh

do you ever know these people who you think are super cool at first but then they make their entire personality this other person (oft a boyfriend or partner of some sort) and it's like they don't have a personality outside of the other person anymore and it's. SO FRUSTRATING. LIKE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING TO FIT TO YOUR PARTNER'S TASTE AND ONLY CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE WHEN THEY'RE INVOLVED AND NEVER DISAGREE WITH ANYTHING THEY SAY AND JUST UGH. it's like you can't even talk to them one on one anymore you just get the blandest most robotic responses and it's like losing someone you care about except you haven't lost them just. any semblance of a personality they used to have. like it's not even jealousy at this point it's just resignation. 

ok rant over. daniel is leaving discord. I don't even feel that sad about it anymore, just numb. I think I need some space from almost all my online friends and I should focus on college and the people who care about me and who I keep ghosting for tumblr IRL. like I saw this coming. whatever. fresh chapter. im done being chronically online. I think I invest too much in virtual relationships and that's not normal. it's not like they'll ever put that much effort in for me. idk when I started thinking online friendships were basically the same thing as irl ones because they're not. there's a difference. and it's becoming very apparent to me. I guess between my grief and losing so many of my friends by pushing them away and retreating my entire social life online, not to mention that most of my IRL friends are online anyway because I've never lived anywhere very long, I sort of warped my sense of reality. but there's a difference with people you've only talked to online. not always. there are a handful of online friends I've never met who are basically irls to me at this point (plus reva, who I've actually met). nadia, obviously. maimoona - who btw deactivated her insta and im so worried??? I hope she's okay. I miss her so much. a couple of other people, but that's not the point. like, I'm not a texter. most of my closest friends I communicate with almost exclusively through calls. and there's a difference. and im not saying I don't love them. or that I don't love how I've connected with so many people around the world so much. I do. it's just...I did the typical thing I do where I invested too much in them. I made it out to mean much more than it was to them in my head. they just don't care that much, and I shouldn't expect them to. I need my sense of reality back. to put it bluntly, I need to get a fucking life again lmao. it's been a rough couple of months, but it's about damn time. I have so much love in my life. my REAL life. I need to start appreciating it more. maybe everyone had a point, even if they weren't completely right: I can't be best friends with everyone. I need to prioritize some things in my life. the big online friend group thing is cool, but not when it takes over my entire life. I should appreciate the people who really, actually, deeply care about me more. the ones who check in even when I go off the grid. the ones who put in effort. yada yada

anyway. first day of college tomorrow. I finished playing DDLC and LOVED it. so so so much. I love how they took advantage of the medium of the story to elevate it to its full potential. the characters were all amazing. I fucking loved it so much. A+++ rec I should start taking more game recs from kacey lol. speaking of I finally get to meet her after so long at college tomorrow + the whole queer group including temi! I can't wait:D

also sayori is so me. kacey said she was like me when I was at the beginning of the game and akfgdjgdjfj. I get it now. I wanted to cry at her ending:') she was so fucking real. yuri too. all the characters tbh they were all so well written and ahhhhhhhhh. LDA moment