does every post on here need a title...?

anyway hi. im here from tumblr, because my tumblr addiction was becoming just a tad bit concerning and lowkey ruining my life. but I liked that I had something of a consistent journal where I could pen my thoughts on the go for four (!) years, and I tried getting an ACTUAL journal to compensate but it's just not the same. I can't just whip out my journal anywhere and blab my heart out into a post. for one thing, it's huge as hell. my friend daniel gave me the idea, because apparently that's what he does, and I briefly considered sticky notes that I could just...paste on the journal at the end of the day? but that felt like a waste of paper and wayy too much effort. and god forbid I start using twitter *shudders* so I'm here, trying something new. this place seems just obscure enough that my screaming into the void is actually closer to screaming into a real, y'know, void, and doesn't turn into a chronically online substitute for a social life (*cough* like last sem. I do NOT need a repeat of that).

so. microblogging...without an audience. an audience I know, anyway. who knows who might find this. a fresh start. I like that. let's see where this goes. 

I'm debating over whether I should just type all my thoughts during the day into a draft and post it at night or keep microposting, tumblr style. we'll see. 

so, funny story, I was actually journaling while waiting for my pad thai at a restaurant today (yes, on my own, it felt like a little date with myself haha) and then my food showed up and I left it unfinished. and it just feels like so much. goddamn. WORK. doesn't help that that thing is the size of a live baby. 

so...things that happened today, to my recollection (since I did not finish that stupid journal entry, here's a non-comprehensive list):

- woke up early, got fucked over by my college's shitty bureaucracy as usual, long story

- which meant I traveled 1.5 hours to be in the city so I figured might as well make a Day of it

- texted a bunch of people back after forever

- got off at a random station and walked forever, it was actually a really chill area. good walkable roads, lots of trees, friendly people, gorgeous murals...i wish i could just Walk around random places without an agenda more often

- was tired so just searched for nearby restaurants and there was this cool sounding fusion one around 1km away. so I tried walking there. got lost because gmaps was being a bitch. conceded and took an auto with this nice old man driving. we went in circles forever and then I gave up and just asked him to drop me at whatever restaurant he knew. he definitely overcharged me but he deserved it for all the trouble I put him through

- the options were all expensive af there so I picked the cheapest one which was pad thai for 500 rupees and it was good but SO HEAVY I skipped dinner lol

- had to show around a bunch of parents at college and deal with this casteist bitch uncle. just. kys

- went to this cool park where they were having an lgbtq picnic for friendship day. met the coolest people and got a friendship band

- there was this one cute ace lesbian who was 2 years older than me and she and I went away from the group on a long walk and saw this beautiful lake and she called me pretty and took a couple pictures of me AND NO ONE'S EVER CALLED ME PRETTY RANDOMLY LIKE THAT EVER??! like I don't think of myself as someone who could be thought of as particularly pretty. pretty enough to hang out with alone specifically in a huge group of cool people.  THAT MADE ME SO HAPPY. I FELT pretty then and there *and witty and gayyy*

- also she was so cute and a pol sci major but also I did struggle to talk to her a little bit because of uh. language barriers. I get so nervous talking to people in hindi even after doing this shit for 15 years like GET OVER YOURSELF DON'T YOU LITERALLY WANT TO BE A TEACHER. and it's not like I don't Know the language it's just however much I practice I'm always so fucking nervous. it's like language specific anxiety. my anxiety has gotten so much better now but I just need to revert to hindi to remember what it's like to be scared of the entire world around you lol. im scared I'm always gonna be weird and miss out on getting close to so many cool people because of this bullshit like I truly genuinely believe I'm a hopeless case LIKE GIRL IT'S BEEN FIFTEEN YEARS WHEN WILL THIS END 

- anyway it was my first time meeting gay people who...idk how to describe it? like who are NOT chronically online, raised on the internet, gen z, pass and speak mostly in english or hinglish. who don't care at all about emulating shitty western ideals of queerness. which was very cool but also I didn't talk much cause of the nervousness. it was nice to see our community is so much bigger than just people like the ones in my school or college and they're all so cool. they were all so funny too. we played passing the parcel and truth or dare. one guy pole danced with this other guy as a pole. it was pretty hot. I felt kinda sad at the time because I couldn't get myself to speak much and it sucks that I have this stupid thing with hindi but hopefully I'll get there. some day. I really fucking hope. but it was still comfortable watching. making eye contact and smiling. talking a little. maybe talking is overrated. maybe I'll always be more of a witness to group stuff from the sidelines, and that's cool. im just glad I got to be around them. maybe I should make peace with being a mostly silent observer in group dynamics without feeling shitty about it. 

ok that's it for now I think. 

x